Have you ever had a heart-to-heart with yourself? I’ve been doing a lot of this lately. Conversations about my health, my career, my marriage. A lot of these take place in the early morning hours before I start getting ready for work. This menopause-hormone thing is cyclical and so there are nights when I manage to sleep and nights where sleep is about as elusive as winning the lottery. Since I’m not sleeping, I have lots of time to think.
I’ve been in the not-getting-more-than 2-3 hours sleep cycle for the past couple of months. I’m sure I’ll sleep well tonite. It’s a 2-3:1 ratio sometimes and I’m on day 3 of little to no sleep. Not complaining, just dealing. I’m hyper-aware of everything I put in my mouth these days. Caffeine & chocolate during the day guarantee a sleepless night. Dairy products give me horrendous headaches. Work out too close to bedtime? Well, duh. So I’ve been making serious shifts in my lifestyle. Exercise more, be aware of what I consume, try to sleep. This is hard and I have days (and nights) when no matter what I do, it’s not right.
I like chocolate, caffeine, and dairy. But in the interest of sanity & sleep, I limit their consumption. Have to admit, I do feel better when I stick to the plan than when I fall off the wagon.
And I’m beating myself up in the process. Because there are no right things to do. There’s no magic answer. It’s all hit or miss.
Did I mention this is hard?
In the philosophic words of the Colonel, “Quit beating yourself up and just do it.” I do. For the most part. There are times when I backslide and that’s when guilt sets in.
These are scary times to be an educator. I have educator friends facing the prospect of job elimination. I don’t know if I’m in that boat because nobody in my department is talking to us about what the proposed streamlining of my department will entail. Will it mean RIFTs? Will I need to look for a teaching position? Will there be any teaching positions available anywhere? And if there are, do I really want to return to the classroom? Will I even have a choice?
Thank goodness I’m in photography school. I’m working on developing skills that will begin earning me income once I overcome my tremendous insecurity and start putting my work “out there” for people to view & buy. Yes, Nike. I know. “Just do it.” I’ll be ready to submit my Unit 1 project soon. I’m counting on this as being the first step toward hurdling my insecurities.
I downloaded a 5-day Love & Marriage Bible study yesterday (just in time for Valentine’s Day) and got to thinking, will Hub even consider doing this with me? It’s only a 5 day commitment, unlike the 40 day Love Dare (of which we only managed to complete the first four days … yes, four. Deal).
Hub & I have drifted into our own little universes and our lives rarely intersect anymore. It’s hard. Marriage is hard. Not being able to be with each other as often as we’d like is hard. We can’t seem to catch a break these days and this season is wearing on both of us.
I hope he agrees to do this Bible study with me. I really want us to focus on us.
If only for a few days.