Have you ever had a heart-to-heart with yourself?  I’ve been doing a lot of this lately.  Conversations about my health, my career, my marriage.  A lot of these take place in the early morning hours before I start getting ready for work.  This menopause-hormone thing is cyclical and so there are nights when I manage to sleep and nights where sleep is about as elusive as winning the lottery.  Since I’m not sleeping, I have lots of time to think.


I’ve been in the not-getting-more-than 2-3 hours sleep cycle for the past couple of months.  I’m sure I’ll sleep well tonite.  It’s a 2-3:1 ratio sometimes and I’m on day 3 of little to no sleep.  Not complaining, just dealing.  I’m hyper-aware of everything I put in my mouth these days.  Caffeine & chocolate during the day guarantee a sleepless night.  Dairy products give me horrendous headaches.  Work out too close to bedtime?  Well, duh.  So I’ve been making serious shifts in my lifestyle.  Exercise more, be aware of what I consume, try to sleep.  This is hard and I have days (and nights) when no matter what I do, it’s not right.

I like chocolate, caffeine, and dairy.  But in the interest of sanity & sleep, I limit their consumption.  Have to admit, I do feel better when I stick to the plan than when I fall off the wagon.

And I’m beating myself up in the process.  Because there are no right things to do.  There’s no magic answer.  It’s all hit or miss.

Did I mention this is hard?

In the philosophic words of the Colonel, “Quit beating yourself up and just do it.”  I do.  For the most part.  There are times when I backslide and that’s when guilt sets in.


These are scary times to be an educator.  I have educator friends facing the prospect of job elimination.  I don’t know if I’m in that boat because nobody in my department is talking to us about what the proposed streamlining of my department will entail.  Will it mean RIFTs?  Will I need to look for a teaching position?  Will there be any teaching positions available anywhere?  And if there are, do I really want to return to the classroom?  Will I even have a choice?

Thank goodness I’m in photography school.  I’m working on developing skills that will begin earning me income once I overcome my tremendous insecurity and start putting my work “out there” for people to view & buy.  Yes, Nike.  I know.  “Just do it.”  I’ll be ready to submit my Unit 1 project soon.  I’m counting on this as being the first step toward hurdling my insecurities.


I downloaded a 5-day Love & Marriage Bible study yesterday (just in time for Valentine’s Day) and got to thinking, will Hub even consider doing this with me?  It’s only a 5 day commitment, unlike the 40 day Love Dare (of which we only managed to complete the first four days … yes, four.  Deal).

Hub & I have drifted into our own little universes and our lives rarely intersect anymore.  It’s hard.  Marriage is hard.  Not being able to be with each other as often as we’d like is hard.  We can’t seem to catch a break these days and this season is wearing on both of us.

I hope he agrees to do this Bible study with me.  I really want us to focus on us.

If only for a few days.

2 thoughts on “Heart-to-heart

  1. Lisa, I love your essays and thoughts on your life. This last one is so honest and from the heart. I too am one of the 3-4 hr. nite sleepers…ever since the cancer pill (which messes with my bodies estrogen) I spend many hours thinking just like you do. Course you are much younger than I and have different concerns but the sleep hours are the same. You have job concerns which much of the nation is suffering and you know what I have learned? its to not worry about all this stuff til it happens. Your marriage and health issues are different..they need to be addressed now. I have wondered just from reading your fb page and Carlos’s, if something was not quite right with everything in that phase of your life. It does take work and optimism…negative attitudes can hurt everyone. I hope your health issues are just with menopause, a natural thing in all our lives…I still have hot flashes and nite sweats because of that aforementioned pill…at 77 wouldnt you think I’d be through with that!!!!! So you can consider yourself lucky that you will soon grow out of it…hormonal things are just plain for the birds but we all have to live with them. I also wanted to say that IF you have to consider a new employment field, I think you should give some thought to writing…I love your comments and essays on life…you are very good at describing what is going on in a very honest way….so see now you have photography AND writing as options!!! Stay sweet and keep doing what you’re doing, you are a wonderful gal who I have so enjoyed learning to know through facebook. Keep smiling, things will be ok!!!
    Love Jeanie

  2. Carl & I have our ups & downs … what married couple doesn’t? The frustrating part is working on opposite schedules. We rarely get to see each other when we’re not bone-dragging tired: that’s the part that stinks.

    I almost didn’t post this entry because you’re right, it really came from my heart and I wasn’t sure if I really was ready to post something so personal.

    Thank you for your encouraging words, Aunt Jeanie. Big hugs! 🙂

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