Outcry

It’s become harder to get out of bed each morning.  Physically, I’m fine.  Emotionally … not so much.

It takes every last ounce of willpower to get up, drag myself to the shower to get ready for the day, and head out the door to work.  Weekends?  Same.  Tears flow freely without any prompting.

I’m tired all. the. time.

I don’t know what’s going on.

I almost asked my doctor for a prescription for “happy” pills a few weeks ago. I didn’t, though.  Embarrassed for needing help, I stayed silent.  In hindsight, I should have said something.

I’ve tried to share with Hub what I’m feeling and why I think I’m feeling this way but the “right” words just don’t come out.

I’m in pain emotionally.  Sad all the time.

The Barky Boys curl up around me, but I don’t even find solace in their presence these days.

Professionally

I feel like I made the worst mistake of my professional life by accepting the job I have now.  Would I have been happier staying at the “greatest junior high school in Texas?”  Most likely not.  I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle one more year of dealing with the ugliness of some the personalities at that wonderful institution.  The benefit of staying would have been I knew what I was doing and what to expect.  This entire year has been filled with trying to meet next-to-impossible deadlines, struggling to find the right person to help me resolve problems, and staying on top of more tasks than any reasonable person should have to handle at one time.  And I’m told this is typical for everyone doing what I do.  I hate this.

Is this all a result of my job?  I don’t know.

Hub says I’m burned out.  He might be right.  I need to look for another job.  I don’t know what I want to do.  I am an educator.  This is my profession, my calling.  The place I go to receive my paycheck is only my job.

I don’t like my job.

Personally

I don’t want to do anything.

I don’t want to stay home; I have to do something.

I can’t NOT do anything.  I’ll drive myself mad if I stay home and do nothing.

Hub noticed I stopped working out.  I simply don’t have any energy to pull my shoes out of the closet and lace them up.

What is going on?

My constant sadness, tiredness, tears.  All these are scaring me.  I’ve been sad before, but not like this and definitely not for such an extended amount of time.

I need help.

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