Celebrations in absentia

Niki’s birthday was this past Wednesday. I don’t think anybody at school really understood why I was “off” that day because I normally don’t talk about my personal life with my colleagues.

Hub finally did ask me later that evening what was wrong and I could see the pain in his face when I told him. He doesn’t like to deal with issues that are painful and truthfully, neither do I.

It’s a sadness that I’ve carried for the past seven years. Most of the time, I don’t give the sadness much thought. I’ve had a lot of downtime this last week between big projects and it’s during these down times that I have the bad habit of focusing on me and what’s going on in my own head.

I feel selfish for wondering why what was probably my only opportunity to be a mother was taken away from me. Hub tries so hard to help me through these times by trying to focus on the “plan:” as soon as I graduate (in December), we’re going to talk to our attorney about adopting. At times like these, December is still so very far away … and I don’t know if anything we do will ever actually take away the sadness of the day that Niki chose to leave with her caseworker and not be adopted.

I know it hurts him when I fall into these funks because there’s really nothing he can do to help me through it other than to sit beside me and hold my hand until the tears stop.

I dreaded waking up this morning. It’s Mother’s Day and all I can think about is where Niki might be.

Happy Birthday Niki. Wherever you are.

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4 thoughts on “Celebrations in absentia

  1. {{{Hugs}}}

    Lisa, I can only imagine how the longing consumes you at times like this. It’s kind of a double whammy, isn’t it? First Niki’s birthday, and then Mother’s day on top of that. I could try to say a thousand different comforting things right now, but none of them will really make a difference, will they? If you are anything like me, it’s an ache that won’t go away. It may diminish at certain times, but it never goes away. I remember my pain like it was yesterday when I longed for a child and it took such a long time to finally get her.

    I’ll be thinking about you today. You know where to find me if you need a shoulder to cry on.

  2. Oh, sweetheart, my heart goes to you today. I’m sorry for your hurt and sorrow and aches. I wish I had the right words to comfort you. Please know you are in my prayers and my thoughts … you are my sister, my friend, and I love you dearly. Please let me know if there’s ever anything I can do for you. Love you.

  3. Thanks Kym.

    Hub keeps telling me that we WILL adopt. With all of the oh-so-close-but-yet-it-just-doesn’t-happens we’ve had, I don’t feel like I’ll ever get to be a part of the Mommy’hood.

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