Niki’s birthday was this past Wednesday. I don’t think anybody at school really understood why I was “off” that day because I normally don’t talk about my personal life with my colleagues.
Hub finally did ask me later that evening what was wrong and I could see the pain in his face when I told him. He doesn’t like to deal with issues that are painful and truthfully, neither do I.
It’s a sadness that I’ve carried for the past seven years. Most of the time, I don’t give the sadness much thought. I’ve had a lot of downtime this last week between big projects and it’s during these down times that I have the bad habit of focusing on me and what’s going on in my own head.
I feel selfish for wondering why what was probably my only opportunity to be a mother was taken away from me. Hub tries so hard to help me through these times by trying to focus on the “plan:” as soon as I graduate (in December), we’re going to talk to our attorney about adopting. At times like these, December is still so very far away … and I don’t know if anything we do will ever actually take away the sadness of the day that Niki chose to leave with her caseworker and not be adopted.
I know it hurts him when I fall into these funks because there’s really nothing he can do to help me through it other than to sit beside me and hold my hand until the tears stop.
I dreaded waking up this morning. It’s Mother’s Day and all I can think about is where Niki might be.
Happy Birthday Niki. Wherever you are.