Wednesday morning at 4am … time to be Real

Hubby & I watched the Spurs’ victory celebration Sunday night. We were not alone. I don’t think there were many people in these here parts that didn’t watch the festivities and that is what gives the following so much more impact.

Hubby & I saw Don Harris’ interview with David Robinson. We like the “Admiral” for many reasons. Highest on the list is his integrity. He is a man not afraid to speak about his faith. He walks and talks his testimony whenever he is in the public eye. I can’t imagine him any different in his personal life.

One comment he made absolutely cut me to the quick. He said that when he yells at his kids for whatever reason, that’s not showing God’s love to them. Even when he feels justified because they didn’t do something after being asked for the fourth (or umpteenth) time.

Ouch.

Although not a parent, I am an educator and I work with many students on a daily basis during the school year. When I grouse at my students, I’m not showing God’s love to them, either.

Whoa … I’m listening, Lord.

I’ve really fallen away in my walk over the last several years. I can almost pinpoint it to the day when it all happened. The day that our adoption fell apart and the girl/child/young woman that had been living with us decided that she didn’t want us to adopt her after all.

And I blamed God.

I couldn’t understand why He would allow me to taste the fruit of motherhood for such a brief time and then allow it to be taken away from me.

I know it wasn’t His fault that this happened, He had allowed me to be thrust into a terrible season of darkness. He has allowed me … called me … to remain barren and childless. I still don’t understand why He’s called me to take this journey and I guess it wasn’t until now that I realized that I still haven’t walked out of that dark valley of blame and guilt.

It has affected me on so many fronts:

~ in my walk
~ in my talk
~ in my thoughts
~ in my emotions
~ how I relate to hubby
~ how I relate to others
~ how I view myself

and most importantly

~ why hubby says I’m always so angry

What is so shameful is that He allows us to walk through the dark seasons to grow us and I didn’t want to grow. I wanted to wallow. I guess I got really good at wallowing because it took one brief interview with one man sharing an anecdote on fatherhood to get my attention and realize what I’ve spent all these long years doing.

Oh My Father,

I am SO sorry for wallowing for so many years in my misery and shutting You out. How can You ever forgive me for what I’ve done?

Please forgive me … and help me to forgive myself.

Thank You for staying with me as I continued through this season. Even though I rarely acknowledged Your presence these past several years, You always acknowledged mine.

It is written that there is no place we can go that You are not there (
Ps. 139) … that nothing will keep us from Your love (Rom. 8:38,39). Thank You for this written confirmation of Your enduring & never-ending love for me!

Help me to walk out of this dark season and cling to You and Your Word.
Help me to recall all my burdens so that I can cast them at the foot of Your cross. More importantly, help me to not pick these burdens up again and try to continue to carry them myself.

Abba, thank You for never giving up on me.

I love you, Lord and it’s in Jesus’ precious Name I pray.

Amen.

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